How not to kill a customer care rep from Globacom

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This blog post starts with me receiving an alert on my phone. Yay! Salaries got paid a week early. As a Nigerian worker with many money draining avenues, I have learned to have an absolutely-cannot-be-trifled-with checklist every month. Tithe? Paid first. Sibling’s allowance? Checked. Data bundles credit? Bought online before the expiry date so auto renewal can do its thing.

You, dear reader can therefore imagine my surprise when the week rolls through, my existing data expires, my money is removed AND THE 4.5GB DATA PLAN I SUBSCRIBED FOR DECIDES TO TAKE A HIKE TO JAMAICA! As a law abiding citizen, I do what any sane person will do. I dial 121, the customer service line for Glo. Ring! Ring! An automated voice lists the options available. I pick a zero and a three for complaints. I’m then put on hold for minutes while some youngster with no music savvy sings about clubbing, and shaking your bootay.
‘Hello, my name is ___________ ‘( To be honest, I rarely listen to their names as they speak soo fast. However let’s call this person Customer person 1 or CP1 for short). I explain my problem and she apologizes for the inconvenience (For some reason, most of their customer care representatives say inconveniences, which is like so wrong!). I am told that it was a mistake and would be rectified in 24 hours. So I hang up and resign myself to not having data for a day. This was the first day, a Thursday.

Friday evening, I check my Data plan. Nada, zip, zilch, nothing. So I call 121 again. At this point, dear reader I am still calm, a bit perplexed maybe but definitely nowhere near homicidal rage. Of course, I have to listen to nonsensical music interspersed generously with moronic promos while I wait for a customer care consultant. CP2 comes on the line and I repeat my woeful story. ‘Madam, I am very sorry for the inconveniences (Whatever, I don’t care about your bad grammar. Just help me, please). I can see here that your case is being worked on and would be rectified in 24 hours.’
Now, I like to believe I am a sweet ball of sunshine, and my friends tell me constantly I am too nice for my own good (The fact that my second ex can father children is a testament to this fact. Lol). However, I was beginning to worry with this constant 24 hour statement. No matter. They must know what they’re doing right? So I wait for 24 hours again.

Saturday morning, I speak to CP3. Saturday evening I speak to CP4 who happens to be a guy. CP4, under the guise of being helpful gives me a number, 444 to call. I call said number and I am directed back to 121. Of course I am not routed to CP4, the lying bugger but to a new person CP5. Again I am told to give them 24 hours. By Sunday evening, I feel like choking someone out (aka Madea) and call again to complain. I get CP6, a very competent girl who remains calm while I quietly rant and curse globacom (I am so angry with my mum for instilling polite manners in us at childhood. If not, I would have happily reamed CP6 out. Instead I had to express my displeasure in polite terms. Ugh).
CP6 apologizes (For the record, Globacom, saying sorry doesn’t fix the problem because we know your reps are far from sorry. They just wanna do their jobs and go home) and puts in a complaint for me. (She also finds out that my money was just removed by the network, but no purpose was attached to it). I am promised Monday morning. I call on Monday. No luck. The CP’s seem to have wised up and now I am asked to wait for 48 hours. I am also advised to complain online and chat with a rep or send a mail (No thanks, I am talking to a living breathing person and nothing has happened. I might as well forget it if I have to go through a computer. No way).

Please, do not allow me to bore you. On Thursday (exactly a week after), I finally snap and after CP____  (I lost count) gives me the usual spiel, I hold tight to my phone and viciously inform the guy to get someone with more information as I would not drop the call. I get hung up on. Twice.
I call again on Friday and make a nuisance of myself. Frustrated (yay! I frustrated a CP) , the CP finally gives me a number to call the 3G help desk. I call, am rude when the girl I speak to files another complaint on my behalf, tells me 121 CP’s should have directed me to her the day I lodged my complaint, and apologizes for the inconvenience, stating that they have a problem with their systems (Question. Why did no one just freaking tell me that? It would have saved me some quality time). I am promised 12 hours this time. Needless to say, I take it with a whole bucket load of salt.

I am however, pleasantly surprised and relieved of frankly troubling, highly detailed murderous thoughts when my data is credited Saturday morning. I made it! I wrestled with idiotic customer care representatives and I have not been detained for manslaughter. Thank you, sweet Jesus. May I never have cause to be subjected to such irresponsible and incompetent people again, Amen

adielachaviva

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